Mother’s Day brought to you by Ativan

How did you spend Mother’s Day?
Me, I spent my morning in the emergency room after a week of no sleep and anxiety attacks. The cage I had trapped myself in has been brutal. Since going back to work March 7, I feel like I have been failing at being a Mom, Wife and employee. The perfectionist has become anything but perfect.

“It is always darkest just before the day dawneth”
Thomas Fuller quotes (British Clergyman and Writer, one of the most prolific authors of the 17th century. 1608-1661)

Sunday morning, I called my mom, again, hysterical, She told be to follow the doctor’s advice and go to the ER. I had great fear that they would admit me and possibly take my son away. It never feels safe to go to the hospital for mental health. While I was trying to make the decision, my imagination was running wild and fear was taking over. I needed my mom to tell be to go and reassure me it would be ok.

“For every dark night, there’s a brighter day”
Tupac Shakur quotes (American rap Artist, 1971-1996)

During the last 3 months, I got pneumonia and was sick for about a month, 2 of which I was actually out of work; my child is sick about every other week, if not every 4 days; work has been super stressful and I am constantly feeling like I am not accomplishing enough and Rob got a respiratory infection, which had me believing he would loose his job.

This last week, I was not able to sleep more than 2 hours without waking up with heart palpitations. When Saturday arrived, this woman was a sobbing puddle of pure misery. Saturdays are usually the day I cry from the stress of my week, but once catch up on sleep and I am myself, again. This Saturday was different because I still was not able to sleep. Inside, I feel like a rubber-band wound too tight. No matter what I did, I could not keep my thoughts from circling around and around my head.

“In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o’ clock in the morning, day after day.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald quotes (American Writer. Author of The Great Gatsby. 1896-1940)

After going to the ER, I was giving Ativan, which allowed me to sleep for 14 hours. This morning, I was expecting to be better and go in to work. The anxiety came back within 15 mins of getting out of bed. So now, I am waiting for 9 am to make all the calls to my doctors.

It is shameful to me that I cannot handle the stress in my life. With all the years of therapy, I should have the tools to live a normal life. Well, I have hope that I cannot be hit by a tidal wave forever, right? Eventually, doctors will be able to figure out what is wrong and I life will settle down. I have fear that I am a burden to my family and will loose my job for having to take another day off.

I can only get better from here, right?

4 comments to Mother’s Day brought to you by Ativan

  • wow, when I wrote the comment on your previous post I didn’t realise how serious this all was. So sorry to hear you are having a hard time. And in no way should you feel that it is shameful that the stress is getting to you. We expect ourselves to be super women, super mums, super employees, super wives, super friends and to be honest that is just unrealistic. We are made up of a delicate balancing act of all of the above, sometimes we are good at one, sometimes at others. What helps me is to realise that if something is going bad that it is just that one thing and there are other things in life that I am handling well. This is a blip on a difficult path and totally normal that transitioning back to work (especially if you and your child have been ill) is a really hard thing to do. You need to give yourself permission to feel stressed out and unhappy and that it is normal. Things will get better, I promise you. Talking talking talking can help so use your blog to do that too. You will get through this fine and soon enough you’ll feel like you understand your balance.x
    Anna´s last [type] ..To a great dad

  • Thank you, again, Anna. Your comments have meant a lot to me.

  • Diane

    Dani – Hang in there…you’ve had a lot going on and I believe you can get through this and find the life that you want.

  • Grannie

    I love you!

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