How did you spend Mother’s Day?
Me, I spent my morning in the emergency room after a week of no sleep and anxiety attacks. The cage I had trapped myself in has been brutal. Since going back to work March 7, I feel like I have been failing at being a Mom, Wife and employee. The perfectionist has become anything but perfect.
Sunday morning, I called my mom, again, hysterical, She told be to follow the doctor’s advice and go to the ER. I had great fear that they would admit me and possibly take my son away. It never feels safe to go to the hospital for mental health. While I was trying to make the decision, my imagination was running wild and fear was taking over. I needed my mom to tell be to go and reassure me it would be ok.
During the last 3 months, I got pneumonia and was sick for about a month, 2 of which I was actually out of work; my child is sick about every other week, if not every 4 days; work has been super stressful and I am constantly feeling like I am not accomplishing enough and Rob got a respiratory infection, which had me believing he would loose his job.
This last week, I was not able to sleep more than 2 hours without waking up with heart palpitations. When Saturday arrived, this woman was a sobbing puddle of pure misery. Saturdays are usually the day I cry from the stress of my week, but once catch up on sleep and I am myself, again. This Saturday was different because I still was not able to sleep. Inside, I feel like a rubber-band wound too tight. No matter what I did, I could not keep my thoughts from circling around and around my head.
After going to the ER, I was giving Ativan, which allowed me to sleep for 14 hours. This morning, I was expecting to be better and go in to work. The anxiety came back within 15 mins of getting out of bed. So now, I am waiting for 9 am to make all the calls to my doctors.
It is shameful to me that I cannot handle the stress in my life. With all the years of therapy, I should have the tools to live a normal life. Well, I have hope that I cannot be hit by a tidal wave forever, right? Eventually, doctors will be able to figure out what is wrong and I life will settle down. I have fear that I am a burden to my family and will loose my job for having to take another day off.
I can only get better from here, right?