The last few weeks have been pretty stressful. I had a job interview and have spent the earlier weeks lining up daycare, just in case. Having been a stay-at-home mom for 2 years, the thought of putting my child in day care is frightening. Not because I do not think my child will adjust, but because I have had a horrible experience when I was about 4 years old. I never spoke about it until I was in high school. At 4, I was too young to have the words to talk about the experience and as a teenager, I was afraid no one would believe me or maybe my memory was not correct. Here I am almost 36 years old and I can still see his face.
My grandparents retired shortly after that and they became our primary care givers. Dustin does not have that luxury because my parents still work. I think having family take care of child is much less frightening as a parent because you are never leaving them with strangers. Many parents have their children in daycare and I know their children are perfectly fine.
After a long drawn out process, I did except the position and have started my new job this week. Dropping Dustin off the first day was difficult for me, but now, I no longer cry on my way to the car or on my way to the office. Where did all this feeling come from? I thought my heart was black.
Today is day three, I am already getting calls that my child is sick and I need to come pick him up. Luckily, the call came at 5:15 Pm and I was about to pack up, anyway. He had a fever of 99 degrees when they called and by the time I got there, it had reached 99.8 degrees. Since I cannot take anytime off for 3 months, Rob is responsible for taking care of our son in the event that he is sick. Not that Rob cannot handle it, I am stressed because it is usually my role as the momma; part of my identity to Dustin and the one he asks for. I am experiencing a lot of sadness having to give up some of this to Rob.
The good news is this morning was the first day I arrived at the office feeling relaxed and confident that I could make it through the day. Being in an office all day is a bit confining after having the freedom to go to the park or where ever I want for 2 years. However, I am enjoying the camaraderie of being part of an office and having grown-ups to talk to. Just trying to take it one day at a time and be patience with myself. Going back to work has been a huge change, but in the end it will have been worth it. Well, at least, that is what I tell myself.